The unease of this trip that I first felt is no longer with me, instead a state of perpetual melancholy and sore legs have replaced it. It feels like home.
I have no problem being alone, I felt Guilt for experiencing something so great alone, and honestly what of my own moral compass has been compromised? Jesus Tori, you’re so damn dramatic. Oh yes, I have only glorified self sacrifice and denial my whole damn life.
This has been replaced, instead with exsistential dread.
Why am I here? Why are any of us here? What is my *purpose* in life, and honestly, why can’t I be Kierkegaardian in my approach to life. I wish I could just make a choice and stick with it, comfortable in my own decision. That would be my authenticity.
I should become religious and let myself succumb to a “higher” power. I’ve always been so entranced by those nuns and monks who got visions from God and worked their whole life fulfilling their divine purpose.
That is probably exactly why I love hallucinogens so much, I am just waiting for that right mushroom to get God to talk to me too.
Instead, I am, sigh, forced to inact my own will. Choose a path when I see a million possibilities in front of me. I’ll vibe with as many as a can when I can, while I’m here. This freedom is an imprisonment of its own, isn’t it? Free will has only left us riddled with self doubt and insecurity. Hannah Arendt would do nicely here. Wouldn’t she?
All those YouTube guru’s are fooling themselves into believing they’ve “hacked” the human mind and the human spirit—silly Silicon Valley girls and boys—you need to step away from the computer screen and get lost in the forest for a bit. Come back and tell me this is all a simulation.
And of course, the age old broken record: I can’t believe people are still having babies when there is global warming to worry about.
Kate bush plays in my head:
It’s a broken record for a reason. We are such dangerous creatures to the place we call home.
I got lost in the forest, you can read this as a metaphor, as I got *lost* in the forest, or you can take it at face value.
Both happened.
For four hours I couldn’t figure out where the hell I was and found myself by the waterfall twice. Wasn’t I just here? I took a picture just to prove to myself that I was, indeed here. And it wasn’t that I disassociated. I literally took a wrong turn, and another, and another. And Omg. I swear I’ve seen that tree before, but this time it is mocking me.
Okay, I’ll laugh along too. My heart needs this.
I’m so lazy, I probably should walk up these death flights of stairs twice. What a better way to handle myself and my afternoon.
I should have worn sunblock.
When I finally found my car, thanking the lords of Cobalt, and peeing behind a bush, I rewarded myself with a delicious HUGE veggie lunch at some lush gardens, a big cup or two of tea, and a walk around.
My legs were like Jelly and my back was cursing at me for carrying such a heavy backpack for so long.
I took a quick nap when I returned to the hotel, a quick shower & soak, and drank a title too much beer and never enough whiskey and found myself watching terrible lesbian drama films on Netflix. Remember when the LGBTQ section on Netflix used to be good? Profound even? I’d find myself watching those films and those stories more often then their hetero counterparts. After awhile, don’t you get bored with the same love stories told?
Women ~are~ more interesting, anyhow.
I do. The human experience is too vast to want to watch the same story, in a different setting, over and over again.
If I’m going to watch a straight rom-com, I’ll stick to my favorite sub genre—old people. God damn, do I love an old person romance, staring our love and Queen of uptight & neurotic perfection: Diane Keaton. Sigh, I can’t wait to be old.
Or maybe I want to be a wealthy east coaster with a pad in Martha’s Vineyard? Who is Martha, how did that bitch get a vineyard?
Today I drove three hours to the cliffs of Moher. Have you driven the country roads in Ireland before? Jesus, Satan, Zeus, Vishnu, I have to call on them all to give me the strength to drive 100km through those tight corridors with a tour buss barreling its way towards me.
But the cliffs.
This is what I was most excited for on this trip, and damn did they NOT disappoint. I am so happy I got to see this tourists attractions, because honestly, totally worth the entire flight and road trip. I couldn’t imagine how packed they are during the summer because they were still pretty packed in December.
And this is the slow season ay? Okay, I’ll stick to the slow season.
I’m falling in love with this slow season. After all, it is my slow season too.
I’ve missed writing these types of posts so much, it’s honestly the best way I can understand and process everything going on in my head and the day to day experiences. I had someone once tell me, “There are two Toris the one that presents herself to us and the one that is in her blog.”
And I feel like Queen Elizabeth this way, my public persona, the one which interacts with others in the corporeal world and this one, the one that is the authentic version of myself. And they’re starting to merge into this beautiful creature that even I am falling in love with.
You don’t have to, but I can guarantee you’ll stay a while and have a cup fo tea with me.